funny | SuburbanDaddy

I Am A Joke

I am a father of four, educated, with a respectable job and nice home. I should command respect and authority from my kids.

Apparently, that is not the case. SuburbanDaddy has become a source of laughter and joking at the expense of Things 1-3. Thing 4 is too young, but give her time, I’m sure she’ll join her brothers.

How do I get ridiculed by a seven, six, and especially four year old?

They make fun of my clothes: “Look at daddy’s socks! Ha ha. ” So what, I keep my dark socks on that I wore to work, when I come home and change into shorts. Changing socks would only create more laundry.

They make fun when I forget things, which is a lot these days. Lately, I can’t get their names straight. I often rattle through all three before getting the right one. “Get off your brother, Thing 2! I mean Thing 3! I mean Thing 1!” Instead of getting off, they just start laughing at me.

By far the worst abuse comes from Thing 3. He can completely crack himself up, hysterical laughter, just by saying something that is hilarious to an almost four year old.

“Daddy, you stink” will cause Thing 3 to laugh for ten minutes.

Then there is “Daddy, let me bop your coconut” which means he wants to hit me on the head with a soccer ball or golf club. Once he does, it’s very funny. Well, it is funny to him.

And there’s the latest one. We’ll be driving in the car, talking about ducks or clouds or firetrucks or whatever random thought catches his mind. Out of nowhere, Thing 3 will say:

“Hey Daddy! Daddy! ”

“Yes”

“You’re a joke”

It’s Nature Not Nurture

There is much debate about whether gender specific behavior is innate or learned. Well, I think we can now put this debate to rest. At least when it comes this one behavior.

Thing 1 and Thing 2 take my iPhone every chance they get. They are adept at playing games like Angry Birds. And this weekend they found another activity for the phone which is definitely, no question, a male behavior that I assure you was not taught.

It’s a behavior that dates back to the first guy (yes, I’m sure it was a guy and not a woman) who made a photocopy of their butt.

Take a look at these two pictures I found on my phone. Now I know what all the giggling was about yesterday. They call them “booty shots”.

At least they are wearing pants. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before they “learn” that part.

Anatomically Correct Frosty

Take a look at this picture that Thing 3 drew over the winter. There is a hat, carrot nose, eyes, and mouth. All stuff you would expect to see. Then there are the arms and a bunch of legs. Except the line at the bottom is not a leg.

Anatomically Correct Frosty

We asked Thing 3 about his picture.

“What is this?”
Thing 3: “His hat”

“What are these?”
Thing 3: “His arms”

“And what is this?” (pointing to line at the bottom)
Thing 3: “That’s his penis”

“Frosty has a penis?”
Thing 3: “Yes, he’s a boy”

I guess I never thought about it.

A Terrible Quagedy

We experienced a terrible tragedy recently. Or should I say quagedy. A beloved friend of Thing 3 had a terrible accident and he was very upset as a result. Interestingly, the accident came at the hands, literally, of Thing 3 himself. In a scene reminiscent of Lennie Small from Of Mice and Men, Thing 3 accidentally ripped the head off his bath duck.

Duck With No Head

To his credit, I have never seen Thing 3 so genuinely apologetic for damage that he caused.

R.I.P. Mr Duck

They Think I’m How Old?

So we were talking about Sesame Street. How Elmo is in every one, but not when I was a kid.

I used to watch the Count, who doesn’t seem to be part of the show anymore. Is Count politically incorrect? But I digress.

Thing 2: Daddy is old

SuburbanDaddy: Oh really? How old am I?

Thing 1: You were born two years after they freed the slaves

A Pleasant Surprise

I thought I would follow up on the post earlier this week where I was dreading a trip to the dentist with Thing 3.? It went nothing like I expected.? This is often the case with Thing 3.? He is truly one of a kind and you never know what he will do.? Sometimes that causes trouble.? But sometimes it’s a pleasant surprise.

dentist

It took a little time and convincing, but we were able to get him to
1. Sit in the dentist chair
2. Sit by himself
3. Let the hygienist brush his teeth
4. Let the hygienist FLOSS his teeth
5. Let the hygienist put flouride on his teeth
6. Use the suction tube which he absolutely thought was the funnest thing ever
7. Let the dentist count and check his teeth. The dentist said the official count was 20, but Thing 3 insisted he has 40 teeth. We did not dare argue with him.

Unbelievable. Now, if we can only have this drastic turnaround next time we get his hair cut.

You Want A New What?

That was the question I asked after this exchange. We were in the bathroom and Thing 3, who is finally, it appears, ready to use the potty for good.

The scene: sitting on the potty, he’s a little frustrated because he can’t go.

Thing 3, in a concerned, whining voice: Daddy, my penis is smooshed. I want a new one.

Unique Style

Thing 3 definitely marches to his own beat. Every 3 year old pretty much does that, except Thing 3 takes it to a new level. This kid has a unique way of expressing himself which provides endless amusement for us.