kids say the funniest | SuburbanDaddy

Don’t Hit Me

Two year olds will say some pretty random stuff. Sometimes it makes no sense. Sometimes it’s from something you did weeks ago.

Thing 3 does what I call a running commentary about nothing. Whatever pops into his mind cones out in words.

“Wow! A rock. I don’t like that. I eat feet.”

The “I don’t like that” comes out often because it’s being taught at preschool as a way to use words to express himself instead of having a tantrum.

I generally don’t pay much attention to his constant stream of consciousness. But sometimes you need to play close attention to what’s being said because it can be a clue to something important going on. Like a bad home environment or physical abuse.

Which brings us to Thing 3’s latest phrase he’s learning by using in all the wrong places. At preschool the children are taught to use their words, “Don’t hit me”, when their preschool friends hit them, instead of hitting them back.

Now, whenever you touch him, he responds with don’t hit me. When I go to comb his hair – don’t hit me. Change his diaper – don’t hit me. Put on his shirt – don’t hit me.

First it was the unexplained scratches all over his body (he likes to walk in the bushes), then the bruises (he jumps off everything), and now he goes around saying don’t hit me when anyone comes near him. It’s only a matter of time before someone assumes the worst and calls child protective services on me.

I Wish This Was Uncommon

This sort of thing happens so often I hardly even notice it anymore. But, taken out of context, I have to think it looks different.

Thing 1: Daddy, Thing 2 peed on the floor

Me: How do you know?

Thing 1: He told me

Me: [to Thing 2] Did you pee on the floor?

Thing 2: No

Me: Did you pee on the floor?

Thing 2: Yes

Clearly he has no future as a spy and would never hold up under questioning.

Me: Where was it so we can clean it up?

Thing 2: I don’t remember

There are dozens of conversations like this every day. To me, this is completely normal.

The Worst Thing You Can Say To A 6 Year Old

There is a lot of mean stuff that kids say about other kids. Teasing and insults are kid specialties.

Thing 1 and Thing 2 were discussing football on the way to school one morning. It’s about all they discuss these days.

Look, there’s a red car…they must like the Chiefs. Or, it’s 7:49. 49ers!

On this particular morning, Thing 2 said his friend, we’ll call him Bobby, doesn’t know anything about football. Bobby probably doesn’t know about football since he is 4 years old and doesn’t have the, uh, benefit of a big brother who is obsessed with the topic.

Thing 1 got very upset. He was on the verge of tears. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“Why did you say that!? Bobby is your BEST friend. Why would you say he doesn’t know anything about football?”

Apparently, in Thing 1’s football circle of friends, this is the meanest possible insult to someone. Even worse than the “your mom” classics I remember from when I was about that age.

Kid Jokes

Kids have their own brand of humor. Let’s just say Jay Leno and Conan O’brien have nothing to worry about from these two comediennes.

Thing 2: Why did the chicken go in the pool?

Why?

Thing 2: Because he wanted to go down the drain

Ba dum bump!

Thing 2: Why did the chicken go to the barn?

Thing 1: To see all the animals?

Thing 2: [cracking up as he says it] Because he wanted the animals to bite off his booty.

Careful What You Wish For

I encourage my kids to ask questions. I make a point to stop what I’m doing to give them explanations they can understand.

“Where does snow come from”, “How do airplanes fly?”, “How does Santa go to every house in one night”, “How many points do you get for a touchdown”.

These are very important questions that I’m happy to answer. I enjoy the challenge of coming up with an answer they can understand.

Then there are questions you don’t want to hear.

We were driving home from school one day. All 3 Things were in their seats, watching the TV, quiet and tired from their day. Thing 2 broke the silence, out of the blue, and asked a question.

“What’s a pussy?”

Umm. Gulp. My mind was racing for an answer. I stalled. “What did you say?”

As innocent as can be, “Pussy. What is a pussy?”

Then, I realized what they were watching on the TV. Sylvester and Tweety Bird. Sylvester is a cat. A PUSSYcat.

Whew. Dodged that one.

It Must Have Been Something Important

This morning Thing 1 and Thing 2 were eating breakfast. Conversation was flowing, meaning both were talking at the same time, and neither was listening. A typical morning.

Out of nowhere, Thing1 was on the verge of tears. Very upset.

SuburbanDaddy: What’s wrong?

Thing 1: (tears in his eyes) He is talking so loud I forgot what was going to say.

Kids Make Their Week 14 Picks

Week 14 game of the week is Broncos vs. Colts. The Colts are undefeated and the Broncos are having a surprisingly good season. Both Thing 1 and Thing 2 have identified this as a “good game”. I’m not sure what their criteria is, exactly, for a good game. The Broncos are Thing 2’s third favorite team because they wear orange.

Thing 1’s pick: 36-24 Colts
Thing 2’s pick: 30-20 Broncos

Have you noticed they always seem to pick the opposite of each other? Picking football games, like everything else, is yet another opportunity to compete against your brother. Just like the race to get out of the car, finish eating, get a toy, or virtually anything else they do together. Despite my best efforts to tell them otherwise, everything is a competition.

Week 13 Picks by The Greek and The Swami

Thing 1 (The Greek) and Thing 2 (The Swami) have made their predictions for Week 13’s Game of the Week – New York Giants vs Dallas Cowboys.

The Giants (6-5) are at home and favored to beat the Cowboys (8-3) by 2.5 points by the so-called professional experts. The over under is 45.5 points.

Thing 1 sees it as a typical NFC East slug fest with the Giants prevailing 26-15. An astute prediction given Dallas quarterback Tony Romo’s poor track record in December.

Thing 2 expects a different kind of game. He predicts a high scoring contest with Dallas wining 55-30. At first he said the Cowboys would score 88 points. But after discussion with Thing 1, and careful consideration, he changed his pick to 55 points. As you can see, he likes when both numbers are the same. And the highest number he knows is 100.

As a lifelong Giants fan, Thing 2’s pick causes me great pain. But there is still hope to convert him. Thing 2 has been known to quickly change team allegiances based on the outcome of a game. He only likes to root for the winner.