Author: suburbandaddy

I Am A Joke

I am a father of four, educated, with a respectable job and nice home. I should command respect and authority from my kids.

Apparently, that is not the case. SuburbanDaddy has become a source of laughter and joking at the expense of Things 1-3. Thing 4 is too young, but give her time, I’m sure she’ll join her brothers.

How do I get ridiculed by a seven, six, and especially four year old?

They make fun of my clothes: “Look at daddy’s socks! Ha ha. ” So what, I keep my dark socks on that I wore to work, when I come home and change into shorts. Changing socks would only create more laundry.

They make fun when I forget things, which is a lot these days. Lately, I can’t get their names straight. I often rattle through all three before getting the right one. “Get off your brother, Thing 2! I mean Thing 3! I mean Thing 1!” Instead of getting off, they just start laughing at me.

By far the worst abuse comes from Thing 3. He can completely crack himself up, hysterical laughter, just by saying something that is hilarious to an almost four year old.

“Daddy, you stink” will cause Thing 3 to laugh for ten minutes.

Then there is “Daddy, let me bop your coconut” which means he wants to hit me on the head with a soccer ball or golf club. Once he does, it’s very funny. Well, it is funny to him.

And there’s the latest one. We’ll be driving in the car, talking about ducks or clouds or firetrucks or whatever random thought catches his mind. Out of nowhere, Thing 3 will say:

“Hey Daddy! Daddy! ”

“Yes”

“You’re a joke”

It’s Nature Not Nurture

There is much debate about whether gender specific behavior is innate or learned. Well, I think we can now put this debate to rest. At least when it comes this one behavior.

Thing 1 and Thing 2 take my iPhone every chance they get. They are adept at playing games like Angry Birds. And this weekend they found another activity for the phone which is definitely, no question, a male behavior that I assure you was not taught.

It’s a behavior that dates back to the first guy (yes, I’m sure it was a guy and not a woman) who made a photocopy of their butt.

Take a look at these two pictures I found on my phone. Now I know what all the giggling was about yesterday. They call them “booty shots”.

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At least they are wearing pants. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before they “learn” that part.

A Star Is Born

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Sure it’s only T-Ball, but even at an early age the talent shows. Thing 2 accomplished an amazing feat in a game today. Playing first base, he single handedly retired the first three batters. He caught two put outs from the pitcher, and fielded one solo.

What’s the big deal? You need to understand how T-ball usually works. Outs are very rare. Especially outs that involve both a throw and a catch. Three outs in an *inning*? Almost never happens. Three outs in a *ROW*? Unheard of.

His coach, who has been coaching Little League for 10 years, called this the greatest defensive inning in the history of T-Ball.

The parents who were lucky enough to witness it will be telling their grandchildren about Thing 2’s performance today.

What I will remember is how he sprinted off the field at the end of the inning, all the way to where I was sitting with his sister, and exclaimed: “Daddy! I got 3 outs in a row!”. Priceless.

You Saw This Coming

It was bound to happen. With three older brothers and a house full of trucks, trains, and footballs, there is no way she would turn into a princess.

SuburbanMommy has been waiting seven years to shop for frilly dresses and hair bows. But no matter how girly she is dressed, Thing 4 just wants to follow her brothers. I see a lot of very pretty dresses getting very dirty in her future.

Here is Thing 4 as the best dressed basketballer ever.

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The Real Reason To Avoid Fast Food

I was flying solo tonight with the four Things – pick them up at school, give them dinner, baths, put to bed. In these situations, there are only two realistic options for dinner: pizza or fast food drive through. I went with the fast food. Four Happy Meals.

There are lots of reasons why McDonalds has sold a gazillion burgers. It’s cheap, quick, and kids love it. The marketing tie in with Rio the movie was a huge hit.

But now I’m regretting my food decision. Sure it’s not the healthiest choice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let’s see how you manage an evening with 4 Things on your own, and what you serve them.

That’s not why I regret it. The real reason to avoid fast food is the smell it leaves in your car after hauling 4 happy meals home. I know the smell will still be there in the morning to make me nauseous. I should have gone with the pizza. One word: delivery.

Anatomically Correct Frosty

Take a look at this picture that Thing 3 drew over the winter. There is a hat, carrot nose, eyes, and mouth. All stuff you would expect to see. Then there are the arms and a bunch of legs. Except the line at the bottom is not a leg.

Anatomically Correct Frosty

We asked Thing 3 about his picture.

“What is this?”
Thing 3: “His hat”

“What are these?”
Thing 3: “His arms”

“And what is this?” (pointing to line at the bottom)
Thing 3: “That’s his penis”

“Frosty has a penis?”
Thing 3: “Yes, he’s a boy”

I guess I never thought about it.

End Of An Era

Tomorrow marks the end of an era when Thing 4 graduates to the toddler classroom at daycare.

No more infant room. No more taking my shoes off to enter the classroom. No more filling out the sheet detailing when she last ate, last slept, and her mood for the day.

We’ve been in infant mode for pretty much the last 7 years. Bottles, baby carriers, pack and plays, spit up. It has become normal to us. I don’t remember life without it.

I won’t miss it a bit.