Negotiations and Payoffs

The two parties sit down at the table and arrive at a mutually agreeable solution. Later, as emotions run high and tempers are flaring, a small, unmarked package exchanges hands and crisis is averted. Middle East peace negotiations? Shady lobbyists bribing corrupt politicians? No, this is just a regular day in the life of Suburban Daddy.

How is it that young kids are such expert negotiators? Bedtime becomes a negotiation of how many books to read, who gets to brush their teeth first, whether to wear the soccer or baseball pajamas, and if the pajamas have long pants or shorts. As a parent, the only bargaining leverage you have are the many rewards at your disposal. Did I say rewards? That’s the politically correct way to say bribes. Yes, I bribe my kids. And so do you, according to this poll.

Apparently, rewards are good but bribes are bad. I say there isn’t much difference as long as it works. Bribes – oh, I meant rewards – don’t need to be much to be effective. The trick as a parent is to get the behavior you want, with the smallest possible payout. Potty training is the perfect place for bribes. Suburban Preschooler was 98% potty trained, then regressed where he started to have daily accidents. Now, anytime he goes poop in the potty, he gets an Oreo. Bribery you say? I say three days without accidents. Sure, it works against you sometimes. Like when he asks What am I going to get? before going potty. But, I don’t have to clean poop.

What do you use to bribe your kids? Let me know in a comment.

First Organized Soccer Experience

This weekend was the first “game” in our mini-soccer league. Soccer is way more popular than when I was growing up. It’s the first organized sport kids can play, starting at age 3, though I use the term organized loosely.

Mini soccer works like this…each kid brings his own ball and wears shin guards. Who knew they made shin guards in size 3T? A soccer academy trainer leads the kids through some games involving basic soccer skills. In later sessions, there may be actual “games”, which should prove quite entertaining.

My 3 y.o. was very eager to start playing. We’ve been talking about it for weeks. We got to the field early. He jumped right in and ran through all the drills. That is, until, during a round of soccer tag, he was hit in the ear by another kid and then wanted to go home. Oh well, hopefully his memory will be short, and his soccer career will be longer than just the 20 minutes of glory this weekend.? There is always tee ball.

People without kids have a big advantage

Kids are an enormous productivity drain. I have a todo list that only seems to grow, no matter how much I manage to get done. There just aren’t enough hours in the day. Case in point: It’s been 3 weeks since I made a blog entry. Any free moment I manage to squeeze in (usually in the car or the bathroom), my mind goes blank and I drift into the daddy fog. You know, that feeling you get in your car when you can’t remember the last 10 minutes.

All great inventions and ideas came from people before they had kids. Thomas Edison, Benjamin Franklin, Bill Gates, Henry Ford. There’s no way they could have come up with the light bulb and automobile otherwise. The most productive countries, measured by GDP, are those with the lowest birth rates. Ok, I’m just guessing at that one, but it wouldn’t surprise me…

7 Things Expectant Parents Worry About But Shouldn’t

New parents, understandably, have a lot of things to worry about. The truth is that most of these worries will, in retrospect, seem silly, trivial, or downright funny.

1. Birth Plans – There are many resources about how to “plan” your child’s birth. All the details are prescribed, from music selection and lighting in the delivery room, to birthing position and pain relief choices. The Truth: The only plan is that there is no plan. All the assumptions you used to come up with your “plan” will be off, and you’ll want a completely new plan the moment contractions begin.
2. It’ll All Be Over After The Delivery – There is great anxiety and focus on the “event”. Baby showers, getting the nursery ready, birth plans (see #1). Dads especially are prone to this worry, after living with a pregnant women for so long and all that entails, they think, Ok, once the baby arrives it’ll be back to normal, exept now there will be another person. The Truth: The pregnancy and delivery are the easy part. It’s what comes next that you should really be worried about. Sleepless nights, uncontrolled crying, bathing, endless feedings, flaring tempers. After a few months, you’ll both long for the peace and quiet of pregnancy.

3. All Cribs Are Created Equal – There are fancy cribs with French and Italian names. Princess Cribs with canopies. Not to mention the special, upgraded, high-tech crib mattress so junior can sleep like a baby. The Truth: All new cribs sold today must meet certain safety standards. As long as you are buying from a legitimate retailer, it is safe. Babies will sleep (or not sleep) just as well in a basic crib without the deluxe mattress.

4. Clean Enough – New parents are obsessed with cleanliness. Bottles must be free of bacteria and anything that drops on the floor goes in the garbage. Sterilizers with digital displays that “communicate each phase of the sterilization cycle” are commonplace. The Truth: Soap and water gets bottles and toys plenty clean. Babies have been born all over the world for thousands of years before sterilizers came about, and somehow the human race managed to survive. The best advice when it comes to cleaning bottles? Buy a couple dozen so you never run out, and let the dishwasher do the washing for you.

5. All Carseats Are Created Equal – See #3.

6. Warm Enough – Bottle warmers are right up there with sterilizers. If you are bottle feeding, don’t get your kid hooked on warm milk, because that’s all they’ll want. Instead, mix the formula with room temperature water. There is a huge payoff when you go out with the baby, because you can keep a bottle of water handy and mix some formula anyplace, anytime, without worrying about warming it.

7. Disposable Is King – Thinking about using cloth diapers because they are better for the environment or baby? Get over it. Disposable diapers are up there with electricity and the automobile as something that made modern life better (that is, until the effects of global warming are upon us), and people will think you are a neanderthal if you choose not to use them.

Do kids have it easier today?

Last week, after yet another “snow day”, I wondered if kids today have it easier than I did. It’s a common joke that parents tell their kids When I was your age, I walked to school 3 miles. Each way. In the snow…” Cliche, yes. But when I was a kid, they didn’t cancel school at the mere prediction of snow. They actually waited for there to be snow on the ground. And if it started snowing while we were in school, they put chains on the bus tires and waited until school was over to take us home!
I think every generation of parents probably thinks they had it the hardest. And each generation of kids thinks it’s hardest now, and that their parents just don’t understand modern pressures. In the end, kids have it about the same in every generation. It’s never easy being a kid, especially if you are one. But it isn’t that hard being a kid either. Would I want to be a kid again? Probably not. So maybe it is hard. Though I wouldn’t mind being, say, twenty five again…

Survivor – Daddy Edition

Survivor

You know those cheesy tourist shirts that say things like “I Survived Mt Washington”? Well, it’s monday morning and “I Survived Another Weekend With My Kids”. Monday mornings are filled with feelings of accomplishment, exhaustion, and backaches from giving too many daddy-horse-back-rides.

I am the exception in the workplace. The guy who is actually happy to be back at work on monday morning. After all, my weekday job is the easier of my two jobs. It’s the place where I get to relax in front of my computer, sip coffee, have adult conversations without interruption, and enjoy the relative quiet. On weekdays, the real work begins at 5:30pm when I pick up the kids at preschool. Then, in a blur, it’s the dinner-baths-bedtime routine before it all starts again at 5:45am the next day.

Weekends are for rest? For dads with small kids, weekends are a game of survivor. And just like the TV show, our goal is to Outwit. Outlast. Outplay.

What’s in a name? Everything.

An expectant dad has a lot of pressures and details to worry about. Getting the nursery ready, learning about which crib and car seats are the safest. Taking care of the mom-to-be’s cravings and whims. But nothing compares with the pressure of picking a name for your child. A name is a lifelong “gift” you give your kids, and if you get it wrong, it can have impacts for years to come.

A couple hundred years ago, choosing a name was much simpler. There were only a handful to choose from. Boys were John, William, or James. Girls were Mary, Margaret, or Sarah. Today, almost anything can pass as name, as celebrity babies Suri Cruise and Shiloh Pitt-Jolie will tell you.

You don’t want a name to be too common, so when the teacher calls their name in school five kids raise their hands. Luckily, the Social Security website publishes the 1000 most common names each year, so you can see how a name is trending in popularity. As an example, Abigail has been on the rise, moving from 500th place in the seventies to the 4th most popular name in 2005.

You also don’t want a name to be too unique. Unless you are a famous actor or singer, you’ll have to deal with the constant You named him what? and That’s not a real name! comments.

Don’t forget to test a name for the taunt factor, as in, will fifth graders be able to use it as a source of ridicule against your child. Richard is a prime example. Just ask Tricky Dick. Also, make sure it doesn’t rhyme with any body parts or bodily functions — e.g. Cooper (the pooper) and Dolores (remember the Seinfeld episode).

Thinking about a common name, but with an uncommon spelling? Think again. Just ask an Ashleigh, Madisyn, or Jayson how much they enjoy having everyone misspell their name.

It’s enough to make you crazy. Maybe they were right in the 1800s. Just stick to a few easy to spell, taunt proof names, so expectant dads can spend time worrying about important things – like which color to paint the baby’s room.

Why Why Why

The most popular word in a three year old’s vocabulary is ‘why’. It has been estimated that every fourth word out of their mouths is ‘why’. Also very popular are ‘what are you doing?’ and ‘what’s that?’ At this age, kids are human sponges, eager to take in any and all information about the world.

Being on the receiving end of these questions is fun most of the time. Other times, I worry that if I struggle to know the answer now, what will happen in a few years when the questions get tougher? Here are some of the questions I have been asked recently.

– Why is it snowing?

– Where is that airplane going?

– Why are you eating pizza upstairs?

– Why are you wearing boots?

– Where does the water go when you flush the toilet? Why?

– Why does it get light outside?